"Words That Hurt, Words That Heal"

Matthew 5:21-26

February 13, 2011 + Sixth Sunday after Epiphany

Reverend Dr. David C. Brown
Pilgrim Congregational United Church of Christ
400 Glenwood Drive, Chattanooga, TN 37404

In his moving address at the memorial service after the recent Tucson tragedy, President Obama urged all Americans to work to restore civility to our national speech. While there is no evidence that inflammatory words by some politician or pundit was the direct cause of what happened, there is no question in my mind the words that have been and continue to be used have poisoned our national discourse. You and I can only hope that public speakers may modify their speech.

While there may not be much we can do about the words of those who have the public ear, we can do something about ourselves. In that spirit I’d like to ask your help with a survey and I need you to be honest. If you believe you can go for twenty-four hours without saying an unkind or critical word about or to anyone, please raise your hand . . . We have just demonstrated what was described by a very wise man in his wonderful book. The man is Rabbi Joseph Telushkin and his book is my sermon title today: “Words That Hurt, Words That Heal” (William Morrow and Company, 1996). Without apology I tell you that most of what I will share with you this morning has been taken from his book.

Rabbi Telushkin has been challenging audiences around the country with messages on the powerful and often negative impact of words. The results of the Rabbi’s survey are similar to ours. Invariably, a minority of listeners raises their hands signifying “yes,” some laugh, and quite a large number call our “no!” The Rabbi responds by saying, “Those who can’t honestly answer “yes” must admit you have a serious problem. If you knew you could not go for twenty-four hours without drinking liquor, you are addicted to alcohol. If you knew you could not go for twenty-four hours without smoking, you are addicted to tobacco. Similarly, if you know you cannot go for twenty-four hours without saying unkind or critical words about other people, then you have lost control over your tongue.”

Some might ask, “How dare he compare the harm done by a bit of gossip or a few unpleasant words to the damage caused by alcohol and smoking?” Well, think about your own life for a moment. Unless you or someone dear to you has been the victim of some terrible physical violence, chances are the worst pains you have suffered in your life have come from words used against you cruelly – from ego-destroying criticism, excessive anger, cruel sarcasm, public and private humiliation, hurtful nicknames, betrayal of secrets, rumors, malicious gossip, and outright lies.

If we remember the hurt from such words that were directed at ourselves, I wonder if we have been careful not to engage in such talk when we are with family or friends speaking about someone who is not present? If you never participate in such talk, congratulations. For myself I can’t plead innocence. I know I have not always been kind in my comments about other people. I also have to plead guilty because I have not always challenged the accuracy or helpfulness of what was being said by others. Our silence at such moments can be interpreted by others as agreement with what they are saying.

But negative comments we make about absent people is only one way we wound with words; we also often cruelly hurt those to whom we are speaking. For example, how often have we grossly exaggerated the wrong done by someone who has provoked our anger? If the anger expressed is disproportionate to the provocation, it is not only unfair, it often inflicts great hurt, and can even leave lasting damage. I am thinking of the cruel and belittling comments parents have made to their children. Those scars can last a lifetime.

Why do we do it? Why do we wound other people with our words? One reason that many otherwise “good” people like us use words in irresponsible and cruel ways is that we regard the injuries inflicted by words as intangible. Therefore we minimize the damage that words can inflict. How many of us were taught as children to respond to taunts and nicknames: “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.” Was that really true? Of course not. Some of those words hurt more than sticks and stones. I still have some scars from some of them and I suspect you do, too.

Words, quite simply, are very powerful. Indeed, the first words of the Bible teach us that God created the world through words. In the first chapter of Genesis we read, “And God said, ‘Let there be light and there was light.” One of the most important ways we human beings are like God is in our ability to create worlds with words. Recall for a moment how most of us have had the experience of reading a story and being so moved by the fate of a character that we may have cried, even though we know perfectly well that the character never existed. All that happened was the writer took a blank piece of paper, put words on it, and through those words created a world and people so real that it is capable of evoking our deepest emotions.

And not only the written word but the spoken word can powerfully affect us. Anyone who has ever seen Shakespeare’s “Julius Caesar” has marveled how Mark Anthony is able to use words to change completely the mood of the Roman people away from admiration of Caesar’s assassins to a determination to destroy them. Demagogues through history have misused the power of words to corrupt societies. I am sorry to say we have some now in America.

It would be bad enough if each expression of evil or cruel words had only one had result, but, in fact, the power of words to go on harming again and again is legendary. A Jewish folktale, set in nineteenth century Eastern Europe, tells of a man who went through a small community slandering the rabbi. One day, feeling suddenly remorseful, he begged the rabbi to forgive him. He offered to undergo any form of penance to make amends. The Rabbi told him to take a feather pillow from home, cut it open, and scatter the feathers to the wind. The man did as he was told and returned to the rabbi. He asked, “Am I now forgiven?” “Almost,” came the response. “You have just to perform one last task: Go gather all the feathers.” “But that’s impossible,” the man protested, “for the wind has already scattered them.” “Precisely,” the rabbi answered.

The rabbi in the story understands that words define our place in the world. Once our place – in other words, our reputation – is defined, it is very hard to change it, particularly if it is negative. In the face of the unfair and untrue criticism directed against President and Mrs. Obama, I wonder if they recall how another President and his wife, President and Mrs. Andrew Jackson, were also the subject of relentless malicious gossip? President Jackson remarked: “The murderer only takes the life of the parent and leaves his character as a goodly heritage to his children, while the slanderer takes away his goodly reputation and leaves him a living (cemetery) monument.” The fair and civilized use of words is every bit as necessary in the larger society as in one-on-one relationships. Throughout history, words used unfairly have promoted hatred, prejudice, war, and even murder. African Americans, for example, were long branded with words that depicted them as subhuman. Those who first described Black people in such terms hoped to enable White people to view Blacks as different and inferior to themselves. This was important because, if Whites perceived Blacks as fully human, otherwise “decent” people could never have tolerated their persecution, enslavement, or lynching.

Similarly, when the radical Black Panther Party referred to police as “pigs” during the 1960s, its intention was not to hurt policemen’s feelings but to dehumanize them and to establish in people’s minds that murdering a policeman was really only like killing a vicious animal. Today in many places Gay and Lesbian people have been labeled and described in words that have attempted to dehumanize them and those words have led to beatings and murder. We are also seeing the same thing done to Hispanic folk in America. Shame on us!

What a contrast with the teachings of Jesus! In the Sermon on the Mount, the pure distillation of his message Jesus reminded his followers then and now of the incredible importance of the words we choose. “If you call someone a fool,” says Jesus, “you have done a hellish thing.” “Don’t judge others harshly unless you want to face the same judgment. But in everything you say or do, give an example of what you want people to say or do to you.”

Is this too high a standard for anyone to live by in the Twenty-first Century? I hope not, because otherwise we run the very real risk of drowning in our own verbal bile. The signs of the potential disaster are all around us – in political discourse, in the media, in personal relationships. It’s not too late for us to change the pattern of our speech but it will take a massive commitment from all of us. We’ve heard a lot of talk about the trickle-down theory: give more to the rich and prosperity will drip down to the rest of us. Personally, I don’t believe that but I do believe in what I am calling the “Bubble-up Theory.” I believe the healing words we use can change not only ourselves and those near to us but also our world as well. Here are some ways I believe we can do that.

• First - eliminate all hurtful, unfair and critical talk for twenty-four hours from our lives. If you and I can do that for one day, then let’s try it again the next day and the next. As the Alcoholic Anonymous people would tell us, when we have an addiction we have to live “one day at a time.”
• Second - transmit negative information only when necessary. As the Apostle Paul tells us, “Speak the (hard) truth in love.”
• Third - watch carefully how we speak to other people and also what we listen to from others. Refuse to be part of conversations that vilify or belittle others.
• Fourth - strive to keep anger and bitterness under control.
• Fifth - argue fairly, and do not allow disputes to degenerate into name-calling or other forms of verbal abuse. And do not watch or listen to or read those who use the media to spread hate or discord.
• Finally - always keep the Golden Rule in our mind and mouth. Speak about others with the same kindness and fairness as we would wish them to exercise when they are speaking about us.

A wise man once said, “Not everyone can be beautiful, but we can all be sure that the words we speak are (beautiful).” We have the opportunity to create a more beautiful world. I am ready to try to do that and I hope you are, too.