"The Power of Friendship"

I Samuel 20: 35-42

August 5, 2012 + Tenth Sunday after Pentecost

Reverend Dr. David C. Brown
Pilgrim Congregational United Church of Christ
400 Glenwood Drive, Chattanooga, TN 37404

I begin with a confession. I do not think it is exaggerating for me to say that I would not be here today were it not for the friends I have had in my life. I’ll bet some of you could make the same affirmation. Friendship is vital – literally life-giving to us – but we almost take it for granted, don’t we?

Friendship has also been vital in the life of the Christian Church. A First Century Pagan is supposed to have shaken his head with puzzled amazement and said, “See those Christians, how they love one another!” You and I know how important worship is in the church. We value our programs of education and service and all the rest. But let’s be honest with one another: isn’t one of the most important reasons we have been part of this church and all the other churches over the years is because of the friendships we have made and shared? Of course, it is. “Blest be the tie that binds our hearts in Christian love.”

So today we celebrate friendship. I thought one of the most appropriate ways to do that was to share with you the story of one of the great friendships in human history – the friendship of David and Jonathan. I think most of us here this morning know the story of how the young man, David, killed the giant, Goliath. That act of bravery brought him to the attention of King Saul and David soon became a leader in Saul’s army. He also had the ability to ease Saul’s deep mental distress by singing and playing on his harp.

But as time went on it became apparent to many people, including Saul, that David was a potential rival for his throne. It was at this point that we meet Jonathan, Saul’s son. He and David became inseparable friends. By rights, he should have become king after his father’s death but, for various reasons, Jonathan felt David was better qualified to be king. I suppose we could hear this and feel that Jonathan was a weak man – what the kids today would call a wuss. I don’t agree. Jonathan had that most rare of qualities: he could recognize that as good as he was, there was someone else more qualified to lead his country. For the greater good of his people he was willing to step aside. It takes a great-hearted person to do that.

For David, his friendship with Jonathan literally saved his life. That was the point of our scripture story this morning. Jonathan was warning David that his father, Saul, was going to search him out and kill him if he could. Jonathan urged David to get away quickly. It was a very sad parting between those two friends and, apparently, it was the last time they ever saw each other. But in their parting they said, in effect: “Whatever happens to us in the future, we will understand. We’ve sworn our friendship and our love to each other. Nothing can shake that. And, as far as possible, we swear to love each other’s children.”

Where does a friendship like that come from? Some friendships are founded on anger. Two people can come together because they share a common enemy. You remember the old saying, “The enemy of my enemy is my friend.” That was the basis of what Churchill called “the Grand Alliance” of the Second World War. He detested Stalin and everything he and Russian Communism stood for but for the sake of defeating the common enemy of Nazi Germany they became friends . . . of a sort and for a while. But friendship built on common anger or hatred is inherently unstable. It can’t last very long.

Someone will suggest that friendship comes because we share common likes and dislikes, attitudes and opinions, with some people and they become our friends. There is some truth in this, of course. If we had nothing in common with someone, if his opinions appalled us, if her tastes offended us, I doubt they would be our friends for long. But friendship is something more than just looking into a mirror and seeing ourselves. One of the glories of friendship is that the best of friendships cannot merely tolerate, but actually benefit from the differences between friends.

At its heart true friendship grows out of trust. There has to be a high level of credibility between friends. We believe in them and they believe in us. And, the funny thing is, we don’t need or require a lot of proof for their essential honesty. With friends, we feel as though we can “let our hair down” and be ourselves. If things aren’t going well for us, we feel that our friend is the one person whom we don’t have to lie to or mislead. At times, don’t you get tired of not being able to say what you are really thinking or feeling? I know I do. We’d like to be honest and open with someone. The one we can trust with that kind of sincerity is our friend. Ralph Waldo Emerson put it this way: “A friend is one before whom I may think aloud.”

I know I need and want that kind of friendship but it doesn’t happen automatically. Let me make four suggestions how you and I can improve the quality of our friendships – how we can be better friends to our friends and they to us. It’s a two way street.

First, a good friend is someone who can listen to us and accept us. Every year, millions of people pay millions of dollars to professional therapists in order to tell them their troubles. Many of them hope the counselor will have the answer to their problem. But whether they know it or not, what these people really want is someone to listen to them – to show them what Carl Rogers called “unconditional positive regard.” Most of us are smart enough already to have figured out what is wrong in our lives and what it would probably take to put things right. What we need – really need – is not good advice – and we definitely do not need criticism. What we do need is caring constant encouragement. We need someone who will listen to us and encourage us. That is what good friends do for one another.

Second – and this sounds paradoxical – a good friend is one who will be honest with us. There is a big difference between caring honesty and candid criticism. We have all heard the comment that someone is “my best friend and my worst critic.” I believe that! Our best friend is that person who can tell us – gently, kindly, lovingly, even strongly – what we need to hear. We can hear it and receive it because we know that they will continue to be there with us and for us. Good friends tell us the truth we need to hear.

Third – a good friend is someone who protects us. As Scott Peck reminds us, life is difficult. Sure, life is also fun and exciting and rewarding, but sometimes things just go to pieces. Sometimes we may have brought troubles on ourselves. Sometimes we may be the victims of circumstances, chance, or just plain human cussedness. In absolute honesty we can say “I don’t deserve this!” We’re right; we don’t. In the awful times of life, a friend is someone who goes beyond the second mile to the third or fourth mile. Our friend gives us what we really need even though it may cost them something – maybe even a lot. That was the point of our scripture story. In warning David and getting him safely out of harm’s way, Jonathan was not simply protecting his friend, he was also setting in motion events that would eventually mean David would be king and he wouldn’t. His deep friendship for David cost Jonathan a lot – finally even his life – but it was a price he was willing to pay. Good friends look out for one another and protect each other no matter what it costs.

Fourth – and finally – a good friend is someone who celebrates with us. We can tell them about our success, our new opportunity, the wonderful thing that happened to us. By the words they say and the look in their eyes, we know it means as much to them as it does to us. Our own happiness is doubled because of the happiness of our friend.

There is a postscript to our story of the friendship of David and Jonathan. Years later, after both Jonathan and his father, Saul, had been killed in battle and David had become king of Israel, David remembered his friend. One day, he asked his courtiers, “Is there anyone of Saul’s family still alive? Were they all killed?” Someone spoke up and said there was a five-year-old boy, the son of Jonathan. He was alive because the maid who was caring for him took him into hiding. She picked him up and literally ran away with him. Unfortunately, as she ran, she stumbled and fell and the little boy was lamed for life. When David learned that Jonathan’s son was still alive, he ordered that the boy be brought to him.

When the boy came to the palace, it was obvious he was terrified. His family had been annihilated. He may have known that his grandfather, Saul, had tried to kill David. Maybe, he even realized that by right of succession he should have been king after the deaths of his grandfather and father. Perhaps, he thought that King David had brought him to the palace to have him killed for revenge or to eliminate a possible pretender to the throne. What he didn’t know about was the deep friendship between his father and David. David soon made clear to him that because of the loving friendship he had shared with Jonathan, this young boy was going to become part of his –David’s  – family. The son of his dead friend was now his son.

Friendship – how incredibly important – how life-giving and life-sustaining it is. But friendship must be nourished to continue and grow. That’s true in our everyday lives. It is true here in the life of the church. Some of you will recall that at the Last Supper Jesus told his disciples, “You are my friends.” He could think of no more profound way to describe their relationship. Friendship has always been the mark of the Christian Church when we have been truest and best to our calling. Here’s a thought to take home with you: each Sunday we pray the Lord’s Prayer and ask that the kingdom will come. How can we make that happen? I believe through friendship – friendships that begin here and grows and widens until finally the whole human family are friends. The power of friendship can save the world. We, the friends of Jesus, can help to make that happen.