January 26, 2014:

When Did Commitment Become A Dirty Word?

      When I was the Senior Minister of the Congregational Church of San Mateo, California, United Church of Christ, a young couple (not church members) came to see me about officiating at their marriage. At some point in our conversation they told me they didn’t want the “‘Til death us do part” in their wedding service. They felt it would be more honest (!) to say “‘Till our love ends.”  As kindly as I could I told them that while many of us have made marital commitments we did not keep, to begin marriage with the assumption that this will happen is to undermine the integrity of the vows.  They were not pleased with my response and went off to find a less “rigid” minister. I have sometimes wondered how long it took “‘Til their love ended.”

      We all know that today more and more couples are living together without being married. Sometimes these relationships may go on for years even after children are born. I have heard that couples do this because they are afraid of going through divorces they experienced in their parents or others. Given the pain and difficulty I have seen when couples who live together decide to go their separate ways this seems a foolish hope.

      It seems to me that our society has become increasingly “commitment averse” in the last twenty or thirty years. We seem to believe that “hanging loose” to making commitments will spare us a lot of trouble. Several years ago a sociologist wrote a book with the intriguing title:  “Bowling Alone.”  It seems that no one wants to join bowling leagues but prefer to “bowl alone.”  I see the same thing when folks want to attend church without joining it.  What’s the problem?

      When members join almost any church they promise to support it by their prayers, attendance, financial and personal support, and service to the church and larger community.  When the church asks those who attend without joining to make a serious commitment to the life of the church, it’s easy for them to say:  “I’m not a member. You can’t expect too much from me.  I’ll keep attending your church as long as I want to but will be gone when the church asks more commitment than I like.”

      God knows anyone is at liberty to attend Pilgrim. I hope they find a warm welcome and deep meaning here. But I don’t think that simply attending Pilgrim will bring the same sense of “family” as those who have committed themselves to this wonderful church.  Tell me if you think I’m wrong. If I’m right, why not join Pilgrim?

Love,

Pastor Dave