March 17, 2013:

The Problem of Being Right

I remember one of my seminary professors, Jim Ashbrook, once saying: “At times in your life you have to ask yourself, ‘Do I want to be right or do I want to be helpful?'” I have faced that choice many times in my life and I suspect you have, too. We know we’re right and we simply have to let those who disagree with us know it.

Such confrontation is seldom helpful either to our relationships or what we believe to be true. People are seldom drawn to those who just have to tell other people “a thing or two.” What we have to say may be right but it is unlikely we will be appreciated for saying it. Usually such “truth telling” brings greater confrontation and rejection.

Believe me when I tell you I know that too many times I have been more concerned about defending the truth I believed in than trying to find some basis for mutual understanding. So what’s to be done? Here are several suggestions I wish I had followed!

First, when we are confronted by someone with an opinion with which we strongly agree, don’t jump in quickly with your own opinion. Listen, don’t confront.

Second, try to understand why the other person feels as they do. What are the reasons and feelings behind what they are saying? Listen, don’t lecture.

Third, rather than telling someone (in effect), now let me tell you what I believe!, ask if the other person would like to hear your point of view. If they do, then share it as helpfully as you can but avoid attacking the motives or the intelligence of those who differ from you. If they don’t want to hear what you have to say, then courteously thank them and close the conversation.

Building a relationship of mutual trust where sincere disagreements may be shared in respectful ways takes time, sometimes a lot of time. Is spending the time worth it? Only you can answer that question. The way of truth is important but building relationships which can help draw us closer to others is more important, I believe.

Who knows? When we re more interested in dialogue rather than diatribe we might even learn something ourselves! I know I have. Love, Dave

Love,
Dave