September 22, 2013:

From A Fan of Dr. Phil

Frequently over the years I have watched the “Dr. Phil Show” of Dr. Philip McGraw, a clinical psychologist from California. His compassionate but sometimes straightforward, even blunt, comments to the guests on his show who come to him with all the problems of living is, for me, both entertaining and instructive. While his approach could be described as reality therapy, I am sure he would agree that appearing on his show is not likely to bring about radical change in his guests’ lives. To his credit, he often offers continuing therapy (at his show’s expense) for those willing to accept it. Most do.

      Two recent shows seemed particularly helpful. The first featured three recently married couples with highly dysfunctional marriages. Their anger toward each other was incredible. All were ready to call it quits and divorce. Current statistics on marriage in the United States suggest that about 50% of couples who marry will divorce. The percentage is even higher for second and third marriages. As one who has performed several hundred marriages and holy unions over the years I often wonder if the couple standing in front of me will be able to celebrate their 50th anniversary as my sister and brother-in-law did this past June.

      Few if any marriages are so perfect that there is never any quarreling or disagreement. Serious problems may come up. I tell those I marry that I can no longer offer guarantees on marriage (!), but I do give service contracts! I ask couples to pledge that if troubles come, they will have the wisdom to seek counseling. Speaking from experience, I can tell you that divorce (even amicable) is always painful and expensive. There is usually a better way.

      The effect on children of the marriage/union when parents go their separate ways is very painful. Dr. Phil’s wise counsel to divorcing parents is to avoid speaking badly about the other parent. Don’t use your children as spies or go-betweens. Those who do these things may discover that their children will defend the absent parent and may even question their relationship with you. Do everything in your power — as difficult as that may be — to respect and support your former spouse in his/her relationship with your children.

      Marriage and family life are extraordinarily difficult these days. From time to time we all need help. Wise people get help; foolish people don’t. And that’s a tragedy.

Love,
Dave